Both of my parents were alcoholics. Throughout my childhood, long before I had any names to put on the dysfunction in my family, I knew I never wanted to be like them.
The day I moved out of my parents’ home I was determined that their problems were no longer my problems. By the age of 21, I had come to realize that both my parents were indeed alcoholics, but I assured myself there was no way that was going to influence me! I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t hit or yell, so I was just fine … little did I know.
Are You Living in a Bit of Denial?
We want to believe that once we leave a dysfunctional environment we are no longer influenced by it. We might breathe a sigh of relief and tell ourselves that we are unscathed; we are in control and we will never be like them. But the honest truth is the dysfunctional situation did have an effect on us. Little by little, over time, the chaos, insecurity or other aspects of the dysfunction caused us to change.
The Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) program states it this way: “Family dysfunction is a disease that affected us as children and affects us as adults.” In order to survive, unknowingly we developed coping mechanisms and/or an unhealthy view of ourselves. We were powerless to stop it; we are a product of the dysfunction.
Some Common Characteristics of Adult Child of Alcoholics
- Feeling isolated
- Feeling uneasy around other people, especially authority figures
- Becoming people-pleasers, and losing our own identity in the process
- Viewing personal criticisms as threats
- Lacking self-esteem and self-confidence
- Questioning our worthiness to be loved
- Fear – irrational fear or a constant state of unexplainable fear
- Guilt – never feeling like you’re good enough
- Lying, even though the truth is a perfectly acceptable explanation
- Choosing insecure relationships
- Exhibiting a greater concern for others than for our own well-being
- Constantly comparing ourselves to others
- Possessing a victim mentality rather than a victor mentality
- Continually seeking approval or affirmation
- Over-achieving
- Becoming super-responsible
- Craving stability, or perpetuating the chaos
- Fearing abandonment
- Inability to maintain intimate relationships
- Difficulty setting boundaries
If you grew up with alcoholic parents, you experienced trauma, and you owe it to yourself to do some more digging. For although we never had the disease of alcoholism, we have developed symptoms of the disease. We were immersed in it – it just happened. Darryl Quick, in The Healing Journey, writes, “A large majority of … adult children of alcoholics are at high risk for emotional and behavioral problems.”
Don't Ignore Your Past
Sometimes we think, as I did earlier in my life, that we were not influenced by all the nonsense – that was their problem, not ours! I can pretty much guarantee that you carried some of it out the door with you. But you don’t need to carry it anymore.
Some of us choose to ignore the past – and that’s fine, but you won’t be able to improve your present until you address the past and adjust your thinking and behavior. I didn’t want to dig up the past. I wanted to move forward and get on with life, but there was a bungee cord around my soul that was hooked to the nonsense of the past. It was holding me back.
I was blessed that two pastors, on two separate occasions, recognized ACA tendencies in me, and point blank asked me, “Are your parents alcoholics?” At first I was really angry – I’m fine! Their problems didn’t impact me! There’s nothing wrong with me! But I am thrilled that God used them to call me out, and this has led me to a healthier, more-fulfilled life.
Recovery for Adult Children of Alcoholics Is Possible
We can recover. We can stop the insanity, find ourselves, love ourselves, engage in healthy relationships, and live a much more normal life. We can take care of ourselves by re-programming our thinking. We will reverse the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family.
We are valuable as people with specific, important purposes in this world. We owe it to ourselves to discover how childhood shaped us in the past and influences us in the present. The benefits will be unbelievable.
Begin Healing
For the healing to begin, we have to acknowledge there is a problem and seek resolutions. You’ll have to face the truth about the past, and you’ll soon walk in the present as a much different person. Begin by reading a book or two. I have read and I recommend The Healing Journey for Adult Children of Alcoholics, Adult Children of Alcoholics, or Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step By Step Guide to Discovery & Recovery. By doing a little reading, you’ll soon learn how alcoholism has shaped your life, and how awesome it’s going to be once you’ve faced these issues and overcome them.
When you decide you’d like more help, I encourage you to visit the website: Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization. There you can find literature, support groups, and more information. You’ll realize that you are in good company, with good people, all wanting to experience a new freedom and a new happiness.
Sources
- Daryl Quick, The Healing Journey for Adult Children of Alcoholics (Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1990).
- “The Laundry List,” Accessed March 28, 2011, Adult Children of Alcoholics; World Service Organization.
- “The Problem,” Accessed March 28, 2011, Adult Children of Alcoholics; World Service Organization.
Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, a doctor, or any type of medical professional. I am by no means an expert. I am an adult child of alcoholics whose heart’s desire is for all ACAs to break the bonds of their childhood and live the life God intended for them. If you are experiencing serious emotional pain or behavioral issues, please also seek help from a professional counselor or psychologist.
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